Thursday, July 18, 2013

The Story Starts Somewhere

I have shared the story of how I was able to turn a 240 pound lost soul, into a 175 pound optimistic, positive believer but I have not; until now been able to really share the journey that took me to be that 240 pound lost soul.  

My need to want acceptance, a steady life, and a family of my own has made me stay in situations; both friendships and partnerships that have not been the healthiest to my soul. Instead of getting to know me I associated the love of a man and a plethora of people as happiness.

Eleven years ago, I had a promising career as a model and I was with someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. After leaving home at 16, this was the most stability I had since venturing on my own, and there was nothing I would not do in order to sustain it. A few years would pass and eventually he and I would split on horrible terms.  To date, I wish the end was not as it played out, though that would shape me for the next few years.

One by one a series of great men who were also in pursuit of their own growth would cross my path however I could never maintain a relationship. I found myself conforming to be the perfect woman to and for each of them; though it would always lead to a dead-end. Eventually the insecurities would set in- what was wrong with me? Was I not smart enough, pretty enough, or skinny enough? Was I being judged because of past mistakes? In my head I was constantly in battle with myself all while trying to clamor for my own success- I refused to be a statistic or what everyone deemed as my outcome.

Fast forward, August 2007 I broke up with one of the greatest people to enter my life, and lost my job all in the same week. The black cloud was cast, I became introverted, and reclusive which consequently became depression. On top of the world, running the hottest restaurant in Harlem, dating the man of my dreams and physically appealing. To hiding my car from repossession, single, packing on the pounds and pushing the friends I did have away.  

My depression would last for four years before I was able to identify it, and look myself in the mirror. I had gained 80 pounds in a little less than four years, sabotaged relationships with friends/family and somehow tricked myself into believing that I was taking time to get to know myself. But who knew, I had settled into my new position, had a successful running event and besides the extra pounds I hid it all behind a smile. Those close to me could not even pinpoint what was really going on.

The day I looked myself in the mirror for real, was the day I decided to release all the hardship brought on by being the product of teenage parents. Cast away all the struggle of fighting my way through life so not to become what so many thought I would. Forgive all who betrayed my love and devotion and love all the enemies made because they did not see past this young child trying to raise and come into her own.  I wanted to live again and the only way to do that was to fix myself from the inside out.

Lots of therapy, days of dragging myself out of bed when all I wanted to do was hide in a dark room and eat, and support from people who I thought were against me, is what has delivered me to present day. As you can imagine the story is so much deeper than the words written but I hope the message is as profound.

Things happen in everyone’s life, some more tragic than others. We battle abuse, addiction, loss, failure, shame, and regret. Through it all fighting the one person that has the ability to pull you though it all-YOU! We must remember that no matter how great the impact; if you want change in your life, it has to start with you first. No trainer, doctor, or individual can make the choice for you to be happy, only you can make the decision to be who you want to be.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Writing My Own Story

This blog as you can see has not been touched since 2010- right around the time I slipped into my deepest depression..... Well three years, and a different person later I would like to share my NEW story as I write a different page day by day! Of course no better way to do so than to start from the beginning. So here I go...

Back in September 2011 I took a business trip to Spain; two of my girlfriends would later join my trip so we could make a little vacation after the work week was over. As the vacation started in Barcelona to Madrid I noticed a negative person inside me creeping out. I lashed out at both my friends who I have known for a decade over petty things, even isolating myself at times and it only worsened when it was time to get dressed up and hit the town. By the end of the trip I was completely off to myself and did not speak to them for days to follow.

On the ride back to the US I really looked at myself and why I was feeling this way, all of a sudden a light went off. Here I was 29 years old, nearing my 30th birthday and I was 240 pounds and DEPRESSED. The flight home was a constant mental battle with myself but by the time my plane landed in NYC I had devised a plan. My starting point was to lose at least 40 pounds between October and February 4th 2012, which by no coincidence would be my 30th birthday.

By the first week of October I had hired a trainer, purchased a juicer and threw away any item in my home that may hinder my 40 pound in 4 month mission. It was a tough four months, I remember the first time I stepped on a treadmill I could not run five minutes without wanting to throw up and pass out. However as the days, weeks, and months passed I noticed that missing a day at the gym made me sicker. It’s funny that as I type I still get a bit choked up.

As January rolled around it was time to find a special dress for my special day and I remember grabbing all the 16’s in the store, not realizing that I was now wearing a size 12. By my 30th birthday I was down to 190 pounds and back to the happy person all my friends knew me to be.
Now 31, I have completed my first marathon, signed up for a few more in the coming year, in the best shape I have ever known myself to be in and down to 175 pounds. And what surprises me most is not my physical transformation but how I feel inside. I love myself, more today than ever- working out has been my therapy to overcome obstacles that have plagued me since childhood. My spiritual path is bright, my desire to motivate and help others is so keen, and long/short term goals are more obtainable than ever before.